| lykle_wolfheart |
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 Posted 25-08-2003 23:04 by lykle_wolfheart |
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Manowar Put the Power In Taking Power Out of Power Metal
As the American northeast recovers from last week's massive power outage, during which an estimated 60 million people - from New York to Detroit to Toronto - were left in the dark, power metal legends Manowar have issued a statement claiming responsibility for the massive blackout.
"First of all, consider this not an Apology, for Kings of Metal grovel before no one," the statement - credited to bassist and founding member Joey DeMaio - begins. "However, Manowar wishes to acknowledge to the world their role in the Surge of Electrical Power that, much like our vaunted music, rocked the world last week. Though it was not our intention to disrupt the lives of millions of Poseurs, we consider it a Testament to Heavy Metal Might and Thunder that one power chord from our steeled hands could wreak such havoc in the lives of mortals."
According to DeMaio, guitarist Karl Logan was tuning before a rehearsal at the band's upstate New York studio, and his striking of a "particularly bitchin' and typically intense" power chord coincided with the moment the lights went out for millions of people.
"Real Men Play On Ten, and always have," Logan comments. "As I am already the fastest, loudest, and most determined heavy metal guitarist on this or any World, I can only assume that it was the power grid itself, weakened by two Decades of our Heavy Metal Assault, that finally surrendered to the Glory and the Honor of True Metal Brotherhood."
Several naysayers, including high officials in the electrical power industry, insist that an overloaded line in Ohio, or even an attack from computer hackers, are the only likely causes of the outage. "The notion that a guitar player hitting a chord could knock out the entire northeast grid is ludicrous," commented Cleveland First Energy spokesman Wiffley Snidegarb, on condition of anonymity. "I mean, maybe if it was DeMaio playing 'Flight of the Bumblebee' on bass. Maybe."
Manowar has stated that, despite their refusal to turn down or in any way betray the heavy metal cause, they do feel sympathy for the cities left hungry and powerless by the force of their might. "We hereby issue the call to all True Metal Brothers and Well-Endowed Women of Steel - come to us, to our studio, and we will teach you the primitive ways of hunting, gathering, conquering and pillaging. These old ways of survival will be useful soon, as it has become obvious that Manowar's uncompromising Sonic Savagery is too strong for civilization itself to endure. Once the Blood-Forged Might of our Victorious Anthems cause this weak-willed Society and its trappings to crumble, the World's Loudest Band will lead you all to a new era, where Real Men hunt for their meat in the woods, and Fuck their Metal Maidens with Lust and Pride near a roaring fire next to a cave, while drinking their Beer from a hollowed horn and bellowing praises to the Old Gods. The time is nearly upon us, Brothers and Sisters!"
DeMaio concluded that, should fans be unable or unwilling to shed their modern lives and move to the woods of upstate New York to live naked in a cave, that purchasing a t-shirt or mesh-backed baseball cap from the band's online store would be "almost as cool."
- Keith Bergman
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